A Brief Look Into My Postpartum Experience…like, really brief.

I just couldn’t quiet my mind long enough to sleep. 

I remember in the hospital feeling like I was on autopilot. I was slowly losing my appetite and couldn’t figure out why. I was also beyond exhausted, on a level I could not have imagined pre-parenthood. And even when my new baby slept, I just couldn’t quiet my mind long enough to sleep.

“How was I going to do this?”

I remember the ride home and what I can only recognize after the fact as panic. I remember the tightness in my chest and all of the thoughts and questions racing through my mind. “How was I going to do this?”— a question I felt too much shame about to voice out loud.

a loss of my sense of self and a total loss of control over my mind and emotions.

Those first few days and weeks home were like a hurricane of loss—a loss of my sense of self and a total loss of control over my mind and emotions. I had never experienced something so frightening. The scary thoughts that flashed in my mind that made me think I was either crazy, a monster, or both.

And underneath it all there was the fear that I couldn’t connect with my baby. “Where was the rush of love and warmth all the new moms always spoke about?”.

This thought was usually followed by another— “I made a big mistake. I’m not meant to be a mother.”

I truly believed I would never feel better or “sane” again.

This was a scary time, to say the least. I truly believed I would never feel better or “sane” again. I believed I would be stuck in this awful feeling for forever. I really thought, “no one has ever felt this way before—not this bad!”.

with the help of my medical and mental health providers I gradually started healing, feeling less panic, and even feeling happy again.

Then, I reached out for help. I started treatment and with the help of my medical and mental health providers I gradually started healing, feeling less panic, and even feeling happy again.

Most importantly, I was able to fall in love with my precious baby. I was able to show up for him in the ways I had hoped and he needed.

I truly didn’t believe I’d ever feel better again—despite being a clinician myself! So, I can safely say that I completely relate to mothers struggling with perinatal mood & anxiety disorders.

I can also say with certainty that you will feel better and heal with help.

Don’t wait to reach out.